Saturday, 10 June 2017

Kabuliwala

I sit by the window, reminiscing the past-the month of June; it marked the beginning-the beginning of a new year at school and the excitement that it brought along, the onset of the monsoon-of the zephyr it brought after the scorching month of summer, and the frivolous dance welcoming the first rain. And as I look outside, I suddenly see a very familiar sight-of little kids on their way back home stopping by near a small, make-shift stall by the roadside. It was him-I had last seen him when I was 10. He sold roasted peanuts at the same place by the roadside and I was one of his favourite customers-a regular. The kid in me couldn’t resist the temptation to savour those roasted peanuts once again from my Kabuliwala.

Kabuliwala-one of my favourite childhood stories, Rabindranath Tagore’s classic tale of friendship between a little girl, Mini and Rahmun, (fondly addressed as Kabuliwala) an Afghani Pathan who comes to India to sell dry fruits and earn a living. For years, this story has always been presented as a tale of human relationships and the effect of time on human emotions. But back then, as a kid, and even today, I have always felt that Tagore’s tale has some unanswered questions, some unspoken words and some unexpressed emotions.

Well, Tagore’s story goes of the budding friendship between Mini and Rahmun, her worried parents at her growing closeness with a stranger, his being accused of murder and taken to jail, the toll time takes on their friendship while he is away, the withered human relationships, and the new beginnings that they both look forward to in their own respective lives when he is finally released years later. But, how is it possible that Mini, who regularly waits for the Kabuliwala, not once, asks about him as she sees him being taken away? How can it be that she never remembers him after that day? True, time takes its course and we eventually leave the past behind us-but what happens when the past resurfaces once again? What happens when, years later, we run into someone who was very dear to us? Does time take its course in such a harsh manner, that we simply fail to recognize them years later, just as Tagore explains how Mini failed to recognize her favourite Kabuliwala? It is here, that my version of this story slightly varies. It takes a slightly different route from the time Mini sees the Kabuliwala being arrested, bloodstains on his clothes and one of the policemen holding a knife, as the Kabuliwala tried to wriggle his way out of their tight clutch….


“Maa! Why are they taking him away?”, 5 year old Mini cried as she saw him leave. They did not answer her. They simply looked on. “Oh Kabuliwala! Wait! When will you come back?” He smiled and said, “Maybe when you would be ready to go to your father-in-law’s house”. This was one among the many jokes that only they had shared, they had laughed together; often leaving the others clueless. Little Mini could not control her tears and there was no way we could help her out. I asked my wife to take her inside, to feed her some of her favourite dry fruits that the Kabuliwala had given her earlier and to put her to bed. But that day, she did not eat them.  And since that day, she never did.

I used to believe that time is the biggest healer; that as the years passed, Mini would gradually forget him. She would get busy in her life, find new companions, and the time would move on-as the waves of the sea that crush the shore and never return, her memories of the Kabuliwala would soon wither away. I was partly right. As the years passed, she did find new friends. She spent so much time with them that she came no more as she used to do, to my room. I was scarcely on speaking terms with her. But her memory of the free-spirited, old, mountaineer, of the pleasantries that she shared with him, of the dry fruits that he always left for her, never really left her. For a few years, till she reached her teens, she occasionally asked us when he would return, if he would ever return at all. We, as usual, had no answers to her innocent conjectures. Whether she eventually understood the meaning of our silence, I do not know. But as she grew up, she never asked us about him again. Although, I could see the pain in her eyes as she occasionally sat by the window, waiting for him to return, I refrained from mentioning even the slightest reference of him.

Years had passed, and finally today was the day-the day when my Mini would finally get married. The hustle and bustle involved in the preparations kept us busy, they did not give us much spare time to think of the loneliness that would befall our little home from tomorrow. The preparations were in full swing- the decorators running around checking the last few minute details, the cooks making sure the savouries were just right, and my wife welcoming the endless guests in our own traditional, Bengali way. I was in my study, looking through the accounts when I heard a familiar, rustic call-“Mini beta, come here. I am back. Look what I have brought you”. It was Rahmun. At first I did not recognize him. He had no bag, nor the long hair, nor the vigour that he earlier had. But the love with which he addressed my daughter was all it took for me to recognize him. We exchanged a few formal salutations. I was happy to see him back, but deep within, I dreaded this day. I had never wanted to see him again-never wanted to meet someone who had been accused and imprisoned for murder, and definitely never wanted him to ever meet Mini again. I tried to avoid him from meeting her. “We are all very busy. There are ceremonies going on. Please come some other day.” He persisted, “Just let me see the little one, one last time, Sir. I have brought a few bangles for her. She had asked me to get them. But before I could, they took me away.”  “Did I not tell you earlier? She can’t come to see you. She is busy”.

His face fell. As he turned to leave, he heard a voice, “Kabuliwala!” It was Mini-dressed beautifully in a red saree as she awaited the arrival of her groom. Rahmun did not recognize her for a while. She was no longer the little girl he once brought dry-fruits for. He had forgotten that she would have grown up into a young woman now. He had forgotten that those little red bangles that he had bought would not fit her any more. “Are these the red bangles you promised to bring me? They are beautiful! Thank you. This is the best wedding present.” Rahmun’s eyes filled with tears-tears of happiness that Mini had not forgotten him even after all these years, tears of sorrow, of realization that his own daughter in Afghanistan would have grown up too. He wished time would stand still-that he could be with this daughter as she grew up. He was afraid she wouldn’t recognize him. Mini and Rahmun shared a little laugh, remembered some of their old, exclusive jokes and spoke for a while-they did not laugh aloud like they had earlier, but neither could one sense the expected distance that time would create. Over the years, she somehow knew he was arrested and accused of murder- but today, it did not matter to her at all. It did not hurt her that her dear friend had been a criminal. All that mattered to her was that he had returned. He had returned the day Mini would go to her father-in-law’s house-just as he had promised. Time had tested their friendship, and it was somehow able to withstand the test of time.

I remember I was sad when Mini had first met him. I was envious of the bond that they shared; but today, as Rahmun turned to leave for Afghanistan, to reunite with his family, with his daughter, I only hoped that the bond with his daughter had not withered away like mine had with Mini. 

Tuesday, 24 January 2017

Just for Today

She waits outside the ICU. The nauseating smell of the medicines, the sole shade of white all around, the countless emotions-some of sorrow, some of joy, some of hope, some of grief, while some of acceptance- the unperturbed emotion when you have lost all hope but are waiting for that silver lining. Hers is the latter. I give her a reassuring smile. She tries not to be rude, immerses herself back into her diary and continues to write. I assume it is the list of medicines, diet charts and all the other formalities that come with a hospitalization. There are kites flying outside, I try to remember the date. They call out her name. She moves inside, like a daily routine, without a spark in her eyes, without a smile on her face. As she hands me over her diary, it doesn’t have any lists or charts. Instead, it reads:

14th Jan, 2017: I was 5 then. It was Makar Sankranti. I ran up the spiraling staircase, up to the highest point in my Nana’s terrace- balloons in one hand, doctor tapes bandaged on my fingers-lest the manjha cut through them and gazed at the bright sun-naked eyed, feeling its warmth on a chilly winter morning. I was the 1st one up there, the entire terrace to myself. I ran around in excitement; a big, red kite in one hand, flying a little above me as I ran and the balloons in another. Suddenly, I left the balloons-intentionally or accidentally, I didn’t know. And as I saw them fly up in the sky, higher than any of the kites, trickled down a tear- a realization that those balloons were never to come back to me. They were gone forever. I don’t know what forever meant for me back then-an hour…or 2…or maybe 4…maybe 1 day.

20 years have passed since then. Colourful helium balloons still remind me of that 14th of January when I first learnt to let go-to cherish happiness till it lasts, to deal with anger, denial and sadness; when I learnt to accept the circumstances.

Circumstances-face them, they say. They only make you stronger. But somehow, today, I don’t want to face them. Today I want to be free. Just for today, I want to be free. Like my kite soaring high up in the sky-I want to be free. I want to free myself from the shackles of responsibilities, expectations and duties and fly free-reach the clouds, shout out loud-whether in mirth or in grief, I don’t know; laugh without any worries that bind me; I want to cry out even louder to lighten the burden off my shoulders. Today I want to be free. Is this escapism? Am I shirking away from my duty? Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. But today I wish I don’t have to think about it. Today, I only wish to be free. Today I don’t want to pass a smile because I must, I don’t want to forgive because I am obliged to, I don’t want to talk because I have to and I don’t want to listen because I don’t have a choice. ‘Be brave’, ‘Be strong’, they tell me in times of despair. ‘This too shall pass’, ‘Take care of yourself. Don’t worry’, they console. But today, I don’t want to be strong. I don’t want to hold back my tears and I don’t want anybody to say ‘it will be all right’. The uncertainty frightens me-it holds me down, it ties my feet and forces me to wait. It is like the winds gushing, pushing my kite in all directions as it tries to rise higher, they refrain it from flying higher. But I hold on…I don’t want to let go…the manjha cuts through my fingers, I don’t want to use those doctor tapes today, the pain doesn’t bother me anymore-I just want to reach the sun. Today, I just want to be free.      

The kites have a tough fight up there, the strings are entangled like our thoughts- each trying to prove himself, each trying to win. My mind travels back to the ICU room. She lies there, stable, unresponsive, in a deep sleep. It’s been 5 days since we came here. How many more? It was almost 3 years ago. It was a class debate- ‘The Agony of Aruna & the Law of Euthanasia’. Imageries of that day flash before my eyes. ‘Who decides?’ I had questioned. ‘Who decides whether a person has a right to live or to die? Who decides whether a person is leading a life worth living?’ My stance was firm. In a poised, unperturbed manner, practical manner, they retorted. That day, emotions won over practicality. That day we won. But today, as I see her lying there, still, motionless, the numerous devices chiding her, I ask them, ‘What if we withdrew them all? What if we decide to leave her here? What if we simply stop the treatment? What are we achieving by dragging this longer?’ As I fight the battle between the head and the heart, dreading to say that word, they ridicule, ‘Euthanasia is still a crime. Let nature take its course.’ With tears in my eyes, I pray, ‘Put an end to this forever.’ This time, however, forever does not mean 1 day. Today, I don’t want to win. Today, I wish her life was like one of those gas balloons that I could let go of. Today I wish they tell me what I don’t want to hear.

It’s been a long time since I’ve had a peaceful sleep. It’s been days since I have fallen asleep staring at the starred sky and dreamt of the fairies. I wish to sleep that way again. I wish to be free again. I will do all my duties tomorrow. I will fulfill all my responsibilities tomorrow. But just for today, I wish to be free. Just for today, I wish to sleep beside her, holding her hand tight, like I did when I was a kid. I had woken up from a bad dream, I was scared. She caressed my forehead, told me that it would be morning soon, that the darkness would soon go away, and that as long as she held my hand, I had nothing to fear. Today, I am scared. I want to hold her hand. I want her to speak to me. Just for today, I want to run with my kite flying high, without the fear of it getting entangled. Just for today, I want to be free again.      

As she stepped outside the ICU, her face was still unperturbed. Words were too meager to give her comfort. As I handed over her diary, I couldn’t help but notice a small note that she had written 5 days ago. It read:

10th Jan, 2017:
‘It may be unfair, but what happens in a few days, sometimes even a single day, can change the course of a whole lifetime’
-The Kite Runner 

I didn’t ask her anything; neither did I want to know anything more. I couldn’t reassure her anymore.


The boys yelled loudly in victory, their kite had won the battle. But hers was still entangled in that little room of the ICU.