If I may reiterate Vincent Van
Gogh, ‘I dream of writing and write my
dreams’. Nearly a year ago from now, penning down my thoughts was never
this hard. Was it because life at K was a new experience every day - A story
that we would reminisce for the months to come? Or is it because, now, life has
become the same old drudgery that we have been forced to get accustomed to?
But then
again, what can be a better time to re-enkindle my nostalgia, my passion, my
love for writing than the same old zephyr, the same old mountains and the same
old winding road uphill that welcomed us back; that made us feel as if we had
never left.
The 2 days
spent on campus were pretty different this time. With us finding every opportunity
to revisit the most memorable 2 years in 2 days, once again seeing those faces
that we had last seen when we bid goodbye, meeting our favourite professors, those
smiles and hugs that gave us back the warmth we had missed so much. And then
again came those goodbyes, those teary-eyed farewells when we realized that it
would be another couple of years before we’ll meet again, at this time, at the
same place.
However,
leaving campus this time was not that tough. Was it because we were more
prepared for it than we were the last time we left? Was it because we knew that
we were going back to the same old drudgery that we had left behind us just 2
days ago? Or was it because we knew each other better that we knew what to
expect from them and what not to?
I have come
to realize that most of my posts in the last 2 years have been about life at K
and I was quite sure this one would be the same. ‘You always write about your
time at K. What will you write about once you leave?’, they kept asking. I
really didn’t know how to answer them then. I would, without any doubt, come up
with a topic; there are so many. But today, as I write, I can’t help but feel
the void; that something is missing, that the ink from my pen doesn’t flow as
it used to back then.
What has
changed? Is it me? Have I become too professional, too sophisticated, too
mature that en route this voyage I let go of the juvenile, mischievous self
that I was? Is it those around me? Have they changed? If I think of it, it’s
just the time-the Times have changed.
We have become so used to being in an environment where we
are looked at with envy and jealousy that it has only made us tougher. We have
become so accustomed to staying alone that it gives us solitude, sometimes
boredom but never the sense of freedom. We have accepted with such ease the
patriarchy in the society that we have learnt to live with those ogling eyes,
those constant stares and those lewd remarks with our heads bent down in
acceptance. They say, “When in Rome, be a Roman”. But, did they mean that we mould
ourselves in a way such that people around us would begin to accept us; even at
the cost of our own dreams, aspirations, lifestyle and behaviour? Did they mean
that we accede to their unrealistic dictates without voicing our opinion just
because, as they say, “Aaj toh ladki suna kar gayi!”? Why do they expect their
female colleagues to behave in a way that they would never prefer a girl from
their family to? Why are they not sensitive enough to understand what to talk
and what to not, when to talk and to not, yet expect us to feel comfortable in
their company? Situations like these only make one tougher, more aware and make
us realize that life outside is very different from what we thought and that
some learnings are best left within the Acad block-not because we are not adept
enough to incorporate them; but because our society is not yet ready enough to
accept them.
Mitch Albom writes, “Man alone chimes the hour. And, because of
this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures. A
fear of time running out.” We have set stringent deadlines for our life - post-graduation
by 23, marriage by 28, multiple promotions and a respectable position in the
organization by 30, retirement by 60; but is life so predictable that the
deadlines can be ‘sacrosanct’? College has made us adhere to timelines, has
made us ecstatic, when, in trying situations, these deadlines were extended.
But today, a miss in the deadline makes us anxious, makes us fret, makes us
feel incompetent compared to our peers. We are so anxious about our future that
we forget to live in the present, to enjoy all that we have earned, to give
time to our family and friends, to live….
We all yearn for what we have
lost. But sometimes, we forget what we have. We yearn to be a student back
again, to be in campus for 1 more day, for 1 more year; to spend just 1 hour
with the same people who we used to spend months with. We may not be in K
anymore, but we have learnt a lot more from there, long enough to keep us going
in this ruthless, lecherous world; long enough to endure the changes, the
compromises and the adjustments that we are forced to make everyday. We yearn to go back home, to
go back to the coziness, the warmth and the comfort that we have taken for
granted all these years; to enjoy the sumptuous meal at home, to pour out all
our worries to our parents, to share a laugh with our siblings-to be ourselves,
without worrying about being judged. But then again, they are the 1st
ones we go to in troubled times, we need them to tell us, “Don’t worry, you’ll
be fine tomorrow.” And sometimes just smile when they say, “If you don’t like
it there, come back home. You’ll fine 10 other jobs for yourself.” How we wish
that was true! How we wish we could go back!
We all have awaited our ‘Dream
come true’ moment. But once this moment passes, comes the slow, melting
realization that this is not what we thought it would be like. This is not what
we imagined our colleagues to be like. This is not what we imagined our
managers to be like. This is not what we thought our friends would be like. And
this is definitely not what we imagined our life to be like.
Life has changed in the past few
months. There are a very few people with whom we are still as comfortable
talking to as we were back then. It’s not about how often we meet them or talk
to them, it’s more about how good we feel even in those little times that we
talk. As they say, it is easy to talk to people, but hard to remember them. As the
days pass, very few people would still remember you, very few would still be
there to comfort you, very few would give you a shoulder to cry on. But as
Rabindranath Tagore puts it,
If they answer
not to your call walk alone
If they turn
away, and desert you when crossing the wilderness
O thou unlucky one,
trample the thorns under thy tread,
and along the blood-lined track travel alone.
If they shut doors and do not hold up the light when the night
is troubled with storm,
O thou unlucky one,
with the thunder flame of pain ignite your own heart,
and let it burn alone
No comments:
Post a Comment